Well, if taking care of yourself is deemed as selfish, I am one who fully does not subscribe to that mentality one bit. Not only don’t I subscribe to it, I will assert that it is counterproductive and unhealthy. Let’s take a closer look.

What good does it do when you have stress for 25 days of the month and then relax for 2 or 3 days? You may think that is the best you can do with all of your obligations, wants and needs. “Two days is better that nothing,” you may say. Certainly, two days are better than none at all but why not have a more balanced approach? Imagine what would be possible if you would take care of yourself on a day-to-day basis. Instead of craving a day of r& r, you could feel relaxed most of the time. Instead of needing to stay late at the office to clean up or complete projects, your time management skills would have allowed you to take care of yourself as well as getting the project done. In order to be an effective leader on any level, we need to manage our energy effectively. We are more creative when we are well rested, we are more effective in a crisis situation when are emotions are balanced, and we are able to deal with change when we know who we are not who we are not.

You are all up to big things and you impact many. You want your team, your company, your employees, and all your constituents to all take care of themselves. Happier and more relaxed people are more productive and better at taking and implementing direction and communication. It’s the same for you, no exceptions on this one.

Give yourself the opportunity to relax every day. When we are more balanced, small activities of self-care go a long way. That way there is no need for long transition times when going on vacation. Many of us Type A personalities use up 50% of the vacation time shifting gears. Some of you never let go entirely.

Okay, you’ve got the point and are game. So, what would it look like? Believe it or not, much of taking care of yourself has to do with time management and commitments. A good way to start is to make appointments with yourself. Take out your hand held and lock in some time to take care for yourself. Here are some examples you can do before or after work. Some, do while at your office. Set the time and make it a daily ritual to take a minimum of 15 minutes.

• Create 15 minutes of quiet time or meditation
• Drink a cup of herbal or decaf tea after work
• Go for a walk at lunch hour
• Buy flowers for yourself
• Watch a movie
• Turn all electronic devices off for 30 minutes
• Take a bubble bath
• Get together with a friends (not work related)
• Read a few pages
• Cook a fresh, healthy meal
• Take your partner out for a meal, sans children

The ideas are endless. All you need to do is begin.

Global Executive Coach and President of Clear Intentions International, Barbara Schwarck uses Neuro Emotional Coaching™ to engage her clients in the process of working with their own consciousness to experience greater performance, profound change and deep personal satisfaction. She is the author of From Intuition to Entrepreneurship: A Women’s Guide to Following Her Dream. If you are an executive or thought leader who wants to make a difference, go to www.clearintentions.net.

Worrying can lead to stress. What do we accomplish when we worry? Focus your mind on actions rather than on worrying! Action brings less stress. ~Catherine Pulsifer

I just passed the US Citizenship Exam!

In my preparation, I asked people some of the questions on the test and found out most people didn’t know the answers.

Here’s a question, try it out. And no cheating and looking it up. How many amendments are there to the constitution? The answer will be at the end of this post.

This was a very stressful time for me. I had a lot riding on this test. We all have faced a similar situation, where we have a lot riding on something: a big presentation, meeting our significant others family and friends.

How did I get through it? How do you get through it? Well, the bottom line is you have to know what you really want. I wanted to pass the test and become a US citizen. So how did I approach the test to make it more manageable and less stress inducing so that I could move forward, and ultimately pass. Here are three easy tips:

A. You have to be prepared and have a plan of action. I had to make time to study. What did that mean and what would it look like for me? I listened to the 100 questions and answers to the “citizenship test” on a CD’s provided by the immigration that I downloaded to my iPod. This worked for me because I travel a lot. In order to really study, I couldn’t just listen to the CD from start to finish and memorize the answers. I’d always be going over the same questions in the same order. So I put the CD on shuffle, that way I wouldn’t be covering the same questions over and over again, or become accustomed to the order.

What would being prepared look like for you? If you are putting together a presentation for a client, maybe making another phone call to the client to be sure you know the clients wants and needs. Or, practicing your presentation in front of the mirror, or in front of a group of friends, to work out the kinks.

B. On the day of the test, presentation or meeting the future in-laws, you have to relax. When your brain is in a relaxed state you can better recall the answers or the information you need to convey. When you are relaxed, you present yourself in a better way. Being relaxed also allows you to be generous with yourself rather than judge yourself. You know the thoughts that creep in when you’re in a frenzied state of mind. Why didn’t I study more? What if I didn’t prepare enough for this client? What if they don’t like me? Too often our default position is what if I fail. Re-presence yourself with what you want then relax.

C. Reward yourself. You worked hard and passed the test, landed the client, your in-laws love you. Give yourself credit for a job well done. After I passed the US Citizenship exam I took myself out to dinner. And, when it is all over and I am a naturalized citizen, I will invite all my friends for a true American party; hot dogs, hamburgers, apple pie, corn, lemonade and country music. You name it we will have it.

Stress management, lets face it we can’t avoid stress entirely, is really about being flexible and adaptable when chaotic situations or people place excessive demands on us. When do we feel most stressed? When we’re not prepared, when we’re out of our comfort zone. By knowing what you want, being prepared, relaxing when you have done all you can do to meet the challenge, and rewarding yourself when you have meet it head on, you will be better equip to deal with stressful situations.

Now for the answer to the question from my exam. How many amendments are there to the Constitution? There are 27. Extra credit: The first 10 amendments are known as the Bill of Rights.

I went to yoga the other day and the yoga teacher told a wonderful story about a man who goes to the river every day to get water, carrying two pots. One pot was perfect, the other had cracks in it. So each day by the time he got back from the river, most of the water had seeped out of the broken pot. This went on for weeks.

One day the pot said to the man, you have two of us here and one is perfect and I am not. Why do you hold on to me? The man asked the pot if it had noticed all the beautiful flowers along the path to the river. The pot had not noticed. I know you have cracks in you, the man said. So I took the time to plant seeds. Your water that seeped out watered those seeds, which are now beautiful flowers.

I left yoga feeling energized. I could not stop thinking how meaningful this story is to our everyday lives. If we can live with our imperfections (and we all have them), and not resist them, if we can see the beauty in them and ourselves, we would be so much further along in our life, in our work, in our being.

At the end of most alignment processes I do with clients is a step of forgiveness. Forgiveness is about two things a. accepting the imperfections in ourselves as well as others and b. letting go of the judgments we placed on ourselves and/or others. When we can just accept the weaknesses we have, and just be, we don’t have to resist ourselves any more. When we accept all parts of ourselves, we are happier with ourselves, our families, our work and, in the end, our life. By accepting our imperfections we are able to see the beauty in ourselves.

Too often we focus on our imperfections. We think: I could be thinner; I could have gotten an A instead of an A- on an exam; I could have finished that project in two days rather than 3 days. That kind of thinking never leaves you satisfied with your accomplishments, never lets you be proud of the last sale you made, never lets you soak in what you have learned, or enjoy a personal best. Imagine if instead you were proud of yourself for the weight you did lose, left a class thinking, “ I learned a lot today,” or accomplished to finish a difficult project.

I recently worked with a man who was distraught about his career. He was very accomplished and knowledgeable in his field but had not done little to advance himself. At the age of 57 with a Ph.D. he was underemployed and underpaid. On top of it he felt that everyone had passed him up and it was too late to do anything. He had no real vision for himself. He hated to go to out with people he did not know and always felt awkward when people ask him what he did. Using Neuro Emotional Coaching it became obvious that he was judging himself profusely and that he felt very bad about himself. After a period of talk and reflection I guided him through a forgiveness process where he had a change to let go of all of his imperfections and judgments he had put on himself. He should know better. He was lazy. Why didn’t he have a clear vision and he should have worked harder to begin with.

A day later he called me and reported that a cloud had lifted from his shoulders. He felt fine to talk about his career was happy to be a student at age 55 and felt excited about figuring out what was next.

So what happened and how do you break this cycle? Start everyday with a review. Look at the things that went well and what didn’t go so well. Appreciate these good things about yourself (you’re a good listener, for example) as well as your imperfections (you are not so good at being organized). Forgive yourself for them and for the judgments you make of others. This will end your day in a state of peace, harmony, and joy. In time you will see the flowers growing along the path, instead of the cracks in the pot.

I recently had the pleasure of debriefing about two dozen “360” employee feedback evaluations for a global company. For most of the employees this was the first time they had ever participated in such an exercise and the debriefing session was often met with a lot of anticipation and in some cases anxiety. I did my best to reassure folks that this was just one way the company wanted to engage them as employees, but I was left with the sense that it was the idea of getting written feedback in the first place that was difficult. Folks wanted to get to the “bad” stuff quickly to get it over with.

I found the same to be true at a nonprofit organization where I prepared people for their annual performance evaluations. Different industry, different culture, and different town, yet nobody relished the idea of receiving feedback even if it was being delivered in a sensitive and constructive way. People were afraid and braced themselves for the worst. There was a sense that the feedback was not going to be useful, but instead used as a weapon to put people down.

Generally speaking, feedback is a powerful way to interact with employees. Positive feedback can make them feel good whereas negative feedback can hurt badly, particularly when taken in as a personal affront. But it is just not that simple is it? Despite the many fantasies you might have, you have to admit that nobody is perfect. You are not, your employees are not, your boss is not, your wife, husband or kids are not, and neither is your organization. Being able to receive and utilize feedback, be it positive or negative, can be the tipping point to greater levels of success and deeper personal satisfaction.

Let’s first look specifically at negative feedback. Negative feedback is one of the processes that let people, organizations, systems, etc. know that something is either not working or requires improvement. For example, when we see dead fish floating in the river, the ecosystem gives us feedback that the river is polluted. When you get sick your body is telling you that you need more rest. When the car is out of gas it will stop running.

There are many areas where we seem to be okay with feedback. We have accepted it as a natural way of life, but there are even more areas where we are not at all okay with it. Most of these areas are in the personal arena. They have to do with our performance, our values, our pride; stuff that is usually connected with the ego. When we get personal feedback about things that matter to us and we are attached to the outcome, bang, we get hurt. When we don’t care and don’t take it personal, we say “thank you”.

Unfortunately, most of us have never learned how to receive or give feedback. It wasn’t taught to us in school (although I wish it had been). We are clueless how to do it, when to do it, and when not to do it. Some people don’t want to offer negative feedback because they don’t want to hurt other people. Others like to be martyrs and would rather talk behind someone’s back about all the things that don’t work about them. When was the last time that you went to someone else to complain about a person when you could have gone directly to them? Yes, we have all done it.

As a leader you are in a prime position to master and teach your employees, friends, and even family members how to give and receive feedback in a positive and constructive way. You can begin by teaching folks how to deliver positive feedback that goes beyond an “a-t-a boy”. There are two parts to this:

A) Tell them how to acknowledge (deliver positive feedback about something they did in the past) and champion (let them know that you believe they can do a task to be carried out in the future) one another. In a work setting, then have them make it part of the staff meeting.

B) Have them practice offering and emotionally taking in positive feedback from one another. This creates a wonderful platform for future in teaching people how to deliver negative feedback, sometimes referred to as constructive criticism.

Once you have some positive successes under your belt you can start to work on mastering delivering negative feedback. Below are some guidelines to assist:

Feedback Giver:
1. Make sure the time is right to deliver the feedback.
2. Deliver feedback when you are neutral about the topic
3. If at all possible, deliver the feedback directly to the person for whom it is meant.
4. Be sure both parties have closure before ending the conversation.

Feedback Receiver:
1. Don’t take things personal. It is not always about you.
2. Be open and curious. Ask questions.
3. Get some assistance when get your buttons pushed.
4. Be sure both parties have closure before ending the conversation.

Finally, no culture is going to change without practice. If you create plenty of opportunities for people to both give and as well as receive positive and negative feedback they will become used to the process and your organization, department, or family will run more smoothly and people may even be happier.

Imagine you are a little fledgling.  You live in a nest that is warm, comfortable, and tucked away from harm.  You are being fed by your parents. You get to play with your siblings, and life, as you know it, is good.  However, as time goes by, and you grow, the nest is getting crowded. One at a time you see your brothers and sisters taking off and learning how to fly.  You watch them get up and hop to the edge of the nest, take a deep breath, and then dive into nothingness.  And, magically their wings open and they, although, they have never done it before, are able to fly.  Each time it happens you are amazed at their bravery and wonder what might happen when your turn comes to leave the nest.

Days, perhaps even weeks, go by, and each day you and your parents are still sitting in the nest.  You are so afraid, actually petrified, and you can’t imagine that your wings will ever open.  The thought of flying seems impossible.  Death seems inevitable.  Eventually the day comes when your parents are telling you that they are going to abandon you if you don’t get your courage up to leave the nest.  Well, you step up to the edge of the nest, get all your courage together … and before you have a chance to jump the wind gets stronger and blows you out of the nest.  Magically your wings open and you, like every other bird before you, are feeling the wind beneath your wings.  You are happily soaring and once again, life is good.  At least for a while, until you faced the next challenge.

How many of you remember a recent experience like that?  You were afraid of doing something that had to be done and rather than doing it right away you stalled, tried to talk yourself out of it, or even froze up.  Yeah, I am talking about laying someone off, telling a friend that you were upset, admitting that the sales strategy failed, or breaking up with your boyfriend.  It is common knowledge that human beings have a tendency to avoid unpleasant situations.  But did you know that human beings have an even stronger tendency to fantasize negatively about taking risks?  Much like the little bird in my story we tell ourselves that it is too dangerous, that we will get hurt, that we simply can’t, or that it is better to live with the things that don’t work than to be happy.  Here are a few facts:

• Many marriages end up in nasty divorces because by the time they happen one or both parties have build up so much animosity.

• Most managers who are dissatisfied with their subordinates wait to have conversations with their employees until reconciliation is too late.

• People would rather suffer great physical, emotional, and mental consequences than speak the truth about their feelings.

At the worldwide headquarter of Clear Intentions International we recommend a different strategy. We call it “sharp” blade” strategy.  Here is how it goes.  If you have to have a painful conversation with someone rather than using a razor blade to slowly saw at what is bothering you (negatively fantasize and live in misery) why not use a sharp blade and make one single clean cut (create a positive vision and communicate authentic and clear)?  In other words, if you already know that something had to be done, why wait and add days, weeks, or years of agony before you talk.  Go ahead and do it, right away.  Razor blade cuts are very painful and they have a tendency to take longer to heal.  Clean cuts heal easily and are less painful and a sharp cut can be a win-win.  For example, deal with a problem with an employee right away and it is resolved, that helps the business and helps the employee know his/her expectations. It’s good management and positions the company and the employee you invested in training, to be successful in his/her position.  Or from the business perspective, if it can’t be salvaged, you have to let the employee go. You protect your business, reputation, and clients.  End a relationship and it opens you up for a new one that gives you the things you want.  Whatever is it, if you have to do it, get it done right away.  You will save energy, aggravation and time.

Unfortunately, negative emotions are unavoidable. As long we are alive we will have to experience them. That’s part of the contract that we signed up for when we decided to be a human. You could have decided to be a flower and not have emotions, but that’s an entirely different conversation. There seems to be a handful of people who very seldom experience negative emotions, but for most of us getting upset or depressed or disappointed is part of living. The following are four steps to assist you in successfully managing your emotions.

1. NOTICE what’s REALLY going on.
The first step that I encourage my clients to take is to acknowledge that they are experiencing something unpleasant. Perhaps they are upset or disappointed about something that took place earlier in the day. Or maybe the negativity was self-generated by placing a judgment on themselves. Take a moment to identify where the negativity is being generated. Why are you responding in this particular way?

2. Don’t make it mean MORE.
Most of the time we stop at the initial reaction and we don’t take the time to figure out what is truly upsetting us. We start to complain and tell the story of why we were wronged or why this is so terrible. Admit it, most of the time we make it worse than it is. Take a look at what happens when you keep telling the story. Does it change anything? Instead, just stop telling the story, accept the emotion for what it is and decide what you would like to experience next.

3. Decide WHO you want to be in the face of negativity.
Most of us play small when we are feeling negative. Right in that moment begin to recognize that you are making a choice. You can decide to be different at a moment’s notice. Instead of being a victim and complaining about what is going on, you can decide to take charge and be courageous. What do I mean by being? Elevate your consciousness and assume a different emotional position. It might be difficult in the beginning, but I suggest that you fake it until you make it. When you are being in a state of positive consciousness your brain will naturally support the process of creativity.

You will also need to decide on your direction. Where are you headed? What do you want to create in this situation? Even in a powerless situation you can choose your attitude. All this helps you figure out who you want to be in the face of negativity.

4. Love Yourself and Others Through the Process.
Being human is not easy. The road is rocky because our past has shaped the present and often is still influencing our future. Be patient with yourself and others and know that we are all in this together. The better you are at dealing with your negative emotions, the happier you and everyone around you will be.

I recently got my car towed. Rather than getting upset with my dyslexic self because I had read the signs wrong and had to be somewhere in 20 minutes (and it was pouring down rain and my cell phone was dead), I decided to love myself; to be adventurous and grateful that I was in a financial position to be able pay the fine. I know, ‘easy for me to say and be …’ well, actually not so easy, but I was committed to not having my initial negative response ruin my weekend. And by using these steps I got to have a positive experience in a challenging moment and the weekend was fun.

Listening level 1 is not a bad form of listening but it is often used at inappropriate times and it is mostly based on hidden agendas such as needing to look good or wanting to be liked.  Rather than being with the person and being curious about their experience (listening level 2), we are focused on our own needs and are bound to miss the most important part of the communication; sometimes what is not being said.

Listening is challenging, I understand.  We often feel desperate because nobody seems to listen to us but if we are truly committed to creating a successful as well as fulfilling work environment or home environment, we need to take the time to listen to one another.  The benefits are infinite.  Not only will the listener feel more appreciated and valued at work but countless hours of misunderstandings resulting in rework and/or sometimes hurt feelings can be avoided.  Just this week one of my clients talked to me about the difficult situations she was having with a co-worker because they were not talking.  Things have gotten so bad that my client is doing everything to avoid this person.  I encouraged my client to have lunch with this person and to simply listen.  (He is doing it this week).  I strongly recommend we leave our egos out of those conversations.   Be curious and be open to the other person’s perspective.

Flying in the face of the proclivity to “fix” things, patience is probably at the top of the list of attributes of a sincere listener.  A little time will be required to build rapport which includes trust and the recipient should never feel hurried.  After setting the stage for the conversation which might include confidentiality, concentrate only on the individual’s concerns; be curious.  If it is appropriate and if asked, you may want to affirm their own insights and offer relevant examples, but make sure you are not the one doing most of the talking.

Listening involves hearing and understanding not only all of what people are saying but also what they are afraid to say. To listen with compassion is to be human.  Go ahead, take the initiative, and just “be” with someone when it seems warranted and see what happens.

All too often we approach sticky situations with a substantial amount of attachment and expectations.  For instance, we might expect our family members to behave in a certain way.  We cook a great meal or cut the grass in hopes of some kindness and consideration when the next interaction surprisingly brings misery and unhappiness.  Or professionally, for example, we work hard on a business deal and are ready to close it and anticipating it going exactly the way we plan when suddenly the deal falls through.  In both instances, we end up feeling disappointed and perhaps even defeated.  What happened?

We may have too many expectations and attachments to the things in which we are involved or working toward.  Whether in our personal or professional life, we may fall into the attachment trap without even being aware of it.  When we are too attached to the outcome there is no room for flexibility, including the option for an even better outcome.   When we have too many expectations we set ourselves up for disappointment.  Noone else can meet our expectations.  Only we can meet our expectations and most of us set ourselves up right off the bat by having expectations that are too high.  This is self-sabotaging in terms of effective energy use.

What to do?  Begin by having a conversation with yourself about your attachments and expectations.  Find out if you have any unconscious or hidden emotions in a situation.  Whatever is going on, allow yourself to feel all of it in an environment that is separate from the situation.  You can have an inner dialogue, write in your journal or perhaps talk to a professional coach.  In any case, I have found that when my clients have cleared their hearts and minds that often a higher outcome than what they originally envisioned becomes apparent.

 MONTHLY CHALLENGE:

Pick a project or event in the next two weeks.  Examine your emotions and thoughts around the event.  In a safe environment, allow yourself to empty your emotions and thoughts in whatever way works for you and move into a state of detachment.  At the same time set a clear intention and focus for your energy.  In other words, you can still have a high level of involvement in the physical process, but low attachment in the outcome.  Keep track of your inner process while you are working on the event or project.  After the event is over evaluate the process.  What worked for you and what didn’t?  What did you learn?

I would love to hear from you. Please comment on my blog.

Warmly,

Barbara Schwarck, PCC, CPCC
Coach – Trainer -Author
President, Clear Intentions
www.clearintentions.net