Well, if taking care of yourself is deemed as selfish, I am one who fully does not subscribe to that mentality one bit. Not only don’t I subscribe to it, I will assert that it is counterproductive and unhealthy. Let’s take a closer look.

What good does it do when you have stress for 25 days of the month and then relax for 2 or 3 days? You may think that is the best you can do with all of your obligations, wants and needs. “Two days is better that nothing,” you may say. Certainly, two days are better than none at all but why not have a more balanced approach? Imagine what would be possible if you would take care of yourself on a day-to-day basis. Instead of craving a day of r& r, you could feel relaxed most of the time. Instead of needing to stay late at the office to clean up or complete projects, your time management skills would have allowed you to take care of yourself as well as getting the project done. In order to be an effective leader on any level, we need to manage our energy effectively. We are more creative when we are well rested, we are more effective in a crisis situation when are emotions are balanced, and we are able to deal with change when we know who we are not who we are not.

You are all up to big things and you impact many. You want your team, your company, your employees, and all your constituents to all take care of themselves. Happier and more relaxed people are more productive and better at taking and implementing direction and communication. It’s the same for you, no exceptions on this one.

Give yourself the opportunity to relax every day. When we are more balanced, small activities of self-care go a long way. That way there is no need for long transition times when going on vacation. Many of us Type A personalities use up 50% of the vacation time shifting gears. Some of you never let go entirely.

Okay, you’ve got the point and are game. So, what would it look like? Believe it or not, much of taking care of yourself has to do with time management and commitments. A good way to start is to make appointments with yourself. Take out your hand held and lock in some time to take care for yourself. Here are some examples you can do before or after work. Some, do while at your office. Set the time and make it a daily ritual to take a minimum of 15 minutes.

• Create 15 minutes of quiet time or meditation
• Drink a cup of herbal or decaf tea after work
• Go for a walk at lunch hour
• Buy flowers for yourself
• Watch a movie
• Turn all electronic devices off for 30 minutes
• Take a bubble bath
• Get together with a friends (not work related)
• Read a few pages
• Cook a fresh, healthy meal
• Take your partner out for a meal, sans children

The ideas are endless. All you need to do is begin.

Global Executive Coach and President of Clear Intentions International, Barbara Schwarck uses Neuro Emotional Coaching™ to engage her clients in the process of working with their own consciousness to experience greater performance, profound change and deep personal satisfaction. She is the author of From Intuition to Entrepreneurship: A Women’s Guide to Following Her Dream. If you are an executive or thought leader who wants to make a difference, go to www.clearintentions.net.

• work/life balance;
• where your next sale is going to come from;
• the competition; and
• how to keep your staff or family happy.

A common thread for balancing all of these concerns is staying connected; that is connected to your goals, connected to the people who work with and for you, connected to what the competition is doing, and connected to the people in your life.

What happens when you don’t stay connected. We can learn some valuable lessons from a very big case in the news right now, Rupert Murdoch and the phone hacking and bribery scandal that is bringing down his signature publication News of the World, and threatens his media empire.

Murdoch insists he knew nothing about what was going on at News of the World. I’m not debating his integrity here, or whether he was or wasn’t in touch with what was really going on.

But the case itself reminded me that we often have blind spots as leaders. Ask yourself, are you clueless about your finances or balancing your checkbook if you are the CEO of your own life? When was the last time you looked at production in the warehouse? Do you delegate important parts of your life and/or business and forget about them.

So, today I thought I’d write about what you need to do to stay in touch with yourself and those around you whether you are running a business or a household.

1. Have an overall vision or goal.
You need a goal or vision to get where you want to go in business or in life. It does not need to be the 20-year overwhelming life vision. Start with something small. Without a vision you are aimlessly wandering around. By knowing what you want to achieve you know where to start.

2. Set some goals that are in line with your vision.
Once you have the bigger vision you need to have goals with targets that you can reach and measure. Use the “SMART” goal system when you do that. Don’t forget to assign responsibilities. Who is in charge of what? You will not be able to executive all of your goals, but you must make sure that all goals are being executed.

3. Maintain regular communication.
Very seldom do things go as planned. Ask any mother with two little children and she will tell you more often than not she has to adjust plans because something came up at the last minute. For example, she has to unexpectedly work late but one child has a soccer game and the other has a music lesson. She calls her husband and arranges for him to take one child to soccer practice. Next, she calls her sister to take the other child to her music lesson. And she communicates to both her husband and her sister that she can pick up both children, and a pizza, on the way home from work. What would happen if she didn’t make the call and communicate the new plan down the line? Things would probably come to a standstill.

The same is true in business. It’s not enough to communicate regularly, but also to talk about what is working and not working in how you run your household or business.

Be sure that the person got your communication. And one little tidbit: judgment and blame are optional. They usually slow the process down.

4. Be accountable and have accountability within the ranks.
Know your company is a reflection of you and always will be. First and foremost it is your job to hold yourself accountable and then you can hold everyone else accountable. Being accountable does not mean doing a perfect job. Being accountable means doing what you said you were going to do. For example, I have a pretty intense excise program. I run 3+ times a week, and I do yoga 3+ times a week. I have goals for each work out. I am accountable to myself by showing up at yoga or on the treadmill. There are times when I can do exactly what I set out to do, but there are days when I can do more or have a better work out. Then there are days when I’m capable of less. I am okay with that. As long as I showed up and did the best I could, I consider myself to be accountable. If I didn’t do my best, I get to be with that, and look at what happened to see how I can do better next tie. I am not perfect, and I am no longer in need of pretending that I ever will be.

Human beings will never be perfectly accountable or see all the blind spots, the real issue is how we respond to what’s going on. In the case of Murdock, you can be the judge of that.

I recently had the pleasure of debriefing about two dozen “360” employee feedback evaluations for a global company. For most of the employees this was the first time they had ever participated in such an exercise and the debriefing session was often met with a lot of anticipation and in some cases anxiety. I did my best to reassure folks that this was just one way the company wanted to engage them as employees, but I was left with the sense that it was the idea of getting written feedback in the first place that was difficult. Folks wanted to get to the “bad” stuff quickly to get it over with.

I found the same to be true at a nonprofit organization where I prepared people for their annual performance evaluations. Different industry, different culture, and different town, yet nobody relished the idea of receiving feedback even if it was being delivered in a sensitive and constructive way. People were afraid and braced themselves for the worst. There was a sense that the feedback was not going to be useful, but instead used as a weapon to put people down.

Generally speaking, feedback is a powerful way to interact with employees. Positive feedback can make them feel good whereas negative feedback can hurt badly, particularly when taken in as a personal affront. But it is just not that simple is it? Despite the many fantasies you might have, you have to admit that nobody is perfect. You are not, your employees are not, your boss is not, your wife, husband or kids are not, and neither is your organization. Being able to receive and utilize feedback, be it positive or negative, can be the tipping point to greater levels of success and deeper personal satisfaction.

Let’s first look specifically at negative feedback. Negative feedback is one of the processes that let people, organizations, systems, etc. know that something is either not working or requires improvement. For example, when we see dead fish floating in the river, the ecosystem gives us feedback that the river is polluted. When you get sick your body is telling you that you need more rest. When the car is out of gas it will stop running.

There are many areas where we seem to be okay with feedback. We have accepted it as a natural way of life, but there are even more areas where we are not at all okay with it. Most of these areas are in the personal arena. They have to do with our performance, our values, our pride; stuff that is usually connected with the ego. When we get personal feedback about things that matter to us and we are attached to the outcome, bang, we get hurt. When we don’t care and don’t take it personal, we say “thank you”.

Unfortunately, most of us have never learned how to receive or give feedback. It wasn’t taught to us in school (although I wish it had been). We are clueless how to do it, when to do it, and when not to do it. Some people don’t want to offer negative feedback because they don’t want to hurt other people. Others like to be martyrs and would rather talk behind someone’s back about all the things that don’t work about them. When was the last time that you went to someone else to complain about a person when you could have gone directly to them? Yes, we have all done it.

As a leader you are in a prime position to master and teach your employees, friends, and even family members how to give and receive feedback in a positive and constructive way. You can begin by teaching folks how to deliver positive feedback that goes beyond an “a-t-a boy”. There are two parts to this:

A) Tell them how to acknowledge (deliver positive feedback about something they did in the past) and champion (let them know that you believe they can do a task to be carried out in the future) one another. In a work setting, then have them make it part of the staff meeting.

B) Have them practice offering and emotionally taking in positive feedback from one another. This creates a wonderful platform for future in teaching people how to deliver negative feedback, sometimes referred to as constructive criticism.

Once you have some positive successes under your belt you can start to work on mastering delivering negative feedback. Below are some guidelines to assist:

Feedback Giver:
1. Make sure the time is right to deliver the feedback.
2. Deliver feedback when you are neutral about the topic
3. If at all possible, deliver the feedback directly to the person for whom it is meant.
4. Be sure both parties have closure before ending the conversation.

Feedback Receiver:
1. Don’t take things personal. It is not always about you.
2. Be open and curious. Ask questions.
3. Get some assistance when get your buttons pushed.
4. Be sure both parties have closure before ending the conversation.

Finally, no culture is going to change without practice. If you create plenty of opportunities for people to both give and as well as receive positive and negative feedback they will become used to the process and your organization, department, or family will run more smoothly and people may even be happier.

Imagine you are a little fledgling.  You live in a nest that is warm, comfortable, and tucked away from harm.  You are being fed by your parents. You get to play with your siblings, and life, as you know it, is good.  However, as time goes by, and you grow, the nest is getting crowded. One at a time you see your brothers and sisters taking off and learning how to fly.  You watch them get up and hop to the edge of the nest, take a deep breath, and then dive into nothingness.  And, magically their wings open and they, although, they have never done it before, are able to fly.  Each time it happens you are amazed at their bravery and wonder what might happen when your turn comes to leave the nest.

Days, perhaps even weeks, go by, and each day you and your parents are still sitting in the nest.  You are so afraid, actually petrified, and you can’t imagine that your wings will ever open.  The thought of flying seems impossible.  Death seems inevitable.  Eventually the day comes when your parents are telling you that they are going to abandon you if you don’t get your courage up to leave the nest.  Well, you step up to the edge of the nest, get all your courage together … and before you have a chance to jump the wind gets stronger and blows you out of the nest.  Magically your wings open and you, like every other bird before you, are feeling the wind beneath your wings.  You are happily soaring and once again, life is good.  At least for a while, until you faced the next challenge.

How many of you remember a recent experience like that?  You were afraid of doing something that had to be done and rather than doing it right away you stalled, tried to talk yourself out of it, or even froze up.  Yeah, I am talking about laying someone off, telling a friend that you were upset, admitting that the sales strategy failed, or breaking up with your boyfriend.  It is common knowledge that human beings have a tendency to avoid unpleasant situations.  But did you know that human beings have an even stronger tendency to fantasize negatively about taking risks?  Much like the little bird in my story we tell ourselves that it is too dangerous, that we will get hurt, that we simply can’t, or that it is better to live with the things that don’t work than to be happy.  Here are a few facts:

• Many marriages end up in nasty divorces because by the time they happen one or both parties have build up so much animosity.

• Most managers who are dissatisfied with their subordinates wait to have conversations with their employees until reconciliation is too late.

• People would rather suffer great physical, emotional, and mental consequences than speak the truth about their feelings.

At the worldwide headquarter of Clear Intentions International we recommend a different strategy. We call it “sharp” blade” strategy.  Here is how it goes.  If you have to have a painful conversation with someone rather than using a razor blade to slowly saw at what is bothering you (negatively fantasize and live in misery) why not use a sharp blade and make one single clean cut (create a positive vision and communicate authentic and clear)?  In other words, if you already know that something had to be done, why wait and add days, weeks, or years of agony before you talk.  Go ahead and do it, right away.  Razor blade cuts are very painful and they have a tendency to take longer to heal.  Clean cuts heal easily and are less painful and a sharp cut can be a win-win.  For example, deal with a problem with an employee right away and it is resolved, that helps the business and helps the employee know his/her expectations. It’s good management and positions the company and the employee you invested in training, to be successful in his/her position.  Or from the business perspective, if it can’t be salvaged, you have to let the employee go. You protect your business, reputation, and clients.  End a relationship and it opens you up for a new one that gives you the things you want.  Whatever is it, if you have to do it, get it done right away.  You will save energy, aggravation and time.

Unfortunately, negative emotions are unavoidable. As long we are alive we will have to experience them. That’s part of the contract that we signed up for when we decided to be a human. You could have decided to be a flower and not have emotions, but that’s an entirely different conversation. There seems to be a handful of people who very seldom experience negative emotions, but for most of us getting upset or depressed or disappointed is part of living. The following are four steps to assist you in successfully managing your emotions.

1. NOTICE what’s REALLY going on.
The first step that I encourage my clients to take is to acknowledge that they are experiencing something unpleasant. Perhaps they are upset or disappointed about something that took place earlier in the day. Or maybe the negativity was self-generated by placing a judgment on themselves. Take a moment to identify where the negativity is being generated. Why are you responding in this particular way?

2. Don’t make it mean MORE.
Most of the time we stop at the initial reaction and we don’t take the time to figure out what is truly upsetting us. We start to complain and tell the story of why we were wronged or why this is so terrible. Admit it, most of the time we make it worse than it is. Take a look at what happens when you keep telling the story. Does it change anything? Instead, just stop telling the story, accept the emotion for what it is and decide what you would like to experience next.

3. Decide WHO you want to be in the face of negativity.
Most of us play small when we are feeling negative. Right in that moment begin to recognize that you are making a choice. You can decide to be different at a moment’s notice. Instead of being a victim and complaining about what is going on, you can decide to take charge and be courageous. What do I mean by being? Elevate your consciousness and assume a different emotional position. It might be difficult in the beginning, but I suggest that you fake it until you make it. When you are being in a state of positive consciousness your brain will naturally support the process of creativity.

You will also need to decide on your direction. Where are you headed? What do you want to create in this situation? Even in a powerless situation you can choose your attitude. All this helps you figure out who you want to be in the face of negativity.

4. Love Yourself and Others Through the Process.
Being human is not easy. The road is rocky because our past has shaped the present and often is still influencing our future. Be patient with yourself and others and know that we are all in this together. The better you are at dealing with your negative emotions, the happier you and everyone around you will be.

I recently got my car towed. Rather than getting upset with my dyslexic self because I had read the signs wrong and had to be somewhere in 20 minutes (and it was pouring down rain and my cell phone was dead), I decided to love myself; to be adventurous and grateful that I was in a financial position to be able pay the fine. I know, ‘easy for me to say and be …’ well, actually not so easy, but I was committed to not having my initial negative response ruin my weekend. And by using these steps I got to have a positive experience in a challenging moment and the weekend was fun.

Many times when we are feeling sorry for ourselves we avoid feelings on a deeper level.  Instead of being with our feelings on the inner level, we project out onto the outer level.  We try to blame the circumstances or the other people involved all to serve the purpose of not dealing with our own feelings of discomfort.

I recently had a good case of feeling sorry for myself.  I thought I had been crystal clear, flexible and accommodating.  Without going into any details, things did not work out the way I wanted.  Before long, I started to feel sorry for myself.  I was also blaming myself for making poor choices.  After a few days of not being able to shift my perception of the situation I decided to take another approach.  If you always do what you have always done you will always get what you have always gotten. 

I asked myself a simple question.  What do you want, Barbara?  With no trouble at all I was able to answer that question.  I wanted this and that and if I was really truthful I wanted much more than I was being given in the situation.  I had allowed my fears to get in the way of “playing big.”   

Asking myself this simple question made all the difference in the world.  I had created an opening for a shift to occur.  Maybe I did not know right away which way to turn, but new possibilities were at least available.  So, what’s the learning?  When you feel stuck on any level ask yourself, “What do I want?” Take time to answer the question and see if the new information you generate helps you create a shift.  Rather then telling yourself over and over what you don’t like about the situation, be honest with yourself and let yourself know what you do want.  Be flexible and patient with the process.  Depending on the situation, your version of the “What do I want?” question may be one or more of the following:

1. How do I want to feel?
2. What do I want to get out of this situation?
3. What do I need to learn?
4. What do I want from this person or myself?

Knowing what we want is the next step in getting resolution.  Even when you think that what is going on with you has nothing to do with getting more clarity, ask yourself anyway…..“What do I want?”

 ”Unhappiness is in not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it. ”
Don Herold

“If this is coffee, please bring me tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”   Abraham Lincoln

If your emotions are sometimes getting in the way, see what happens when they get neutralized. Ready to experience Neuro-Emotional Coaching (TM)?

Come and join me on Tuesday, April 27 from 6:30 – 9:30 pm at Sirani Gallery.  For details click here.

 I would love to hear from you. Please comment on my blog.

Warmly,

Barbara Schwarck, PCC, MPIA
NeuroEmotional Coach – Speaker -Author
President, Clear Intentions
www.clearintentions.net