Worrying can lead to stress. What do we accomplish when we worry? Focus your mind on actions rather than on worrying! Action brings less stress. ~Catherine Pulsifer

I just passed the US Citizenship Exam!

In my preparation, I asked people some of the questions on the test and found out most people didn’t know the answers.

Here’s a question, try it out. And no cheating and looking it up. How many amendments are there to the constitution? The answer will be at the end of this post.

This was a very stressful time for me. I had a lot riding on this test. We all have faced a similar situation, where we have a lot riding on something: a big presentation, meeting our significant others family and friends.

How did I get through it? How do you get through it? Well, the bottom line is you have to know what you really want. I wanted to pass the test and become a US citizen. So how did I approach the test to make it more manageable and less stress inducing so that I could move forward, and ultimately pass. Here are three easy tips:

A. You have to be prepared and have a plan of action. I had to make time to study. What did that mean and what would it look like for me? I listened to the 100 questions and answers to the “citizenship test” on a CD’s provided by the immigration that I downloaded to my iPod. This worked for me because I travel a lot. In order to really study, I couldn’t just listen to the CD from start to finish and memorize the answers. I’d always be going over the same questions in the same order. So I put the CD on shuffle, that way I wouldn’t be covering the same questions over and over again, or become accustomed to the order.

What would being prepared look like for you? If you are putting together a presentation for a client, maybe making another phone call to the client to be sure you know the clients wants and needs. Or, practicing your presentation in front of the mirror, or in front of a group of friends, to work out the kinks.

B. On the day of the test, presentation or meeting the future in-laws, you have to relax. When your brain is in a relaxed state you can better recall the answers or the information you need to convey. When you are relaxed, you present yourself in a better way. Being relaxed also allows you to be generous with yourself rather than judge yourself. You know the thoughts that creep in when you’re in a frenzied state of mind. Why didn’t I study more? What if I didn’t prepare enough for this client? What if they don’t like me? Too often our default position is what if I fail. Re-presence yourself with what you want then relax.

C. Reward yourself. You worked hard and passed the test, landed the client, your in-laws love you. Give yourself credit for a job well done. After I passed the US Citizenship exam I took myself out to dinner. And, when it is all over and I am a naturalized citizen, I will invite all my friends for a true American party; hot dogs, hamburgers, apple pie, corn, lemonade and country music. You name it we will have it.

Stress management, lets face it we can’t avoid stress entirely, is really about being flexible and adaptable when chaotic situations or people place excessive demands on us. When do we feel most stressed? When we’re not prepared, when we’re out of our comfort zone. By knowing what you want, being prepared, relaxing when you have done all you can do to meet the challenge, and rewarding yourself when you have meet it head on, you will be better equip to deal with stressful situations.

Now for the answer to the question from my exam. How many amendments are there to the Constitution? There are 27. Extra credit: The first 10 amendments are known as the Bill of Rights.

I went to yoga the other day and the yoga teacher told a wonderful story about a man who goes to the river every day to get water, carrying two pots. One pot was perfect, the other had cracks in it. So each day by the time he got back from the river, most of the water had seeped out of the broken pot. This went on for weeks.

One day the pot said to the man, you have two of us here and one is perfect and I am not. Why do you hold on to me? The man asked the pot if it had noticed all the beautiful flowers along the path to the river. The pot had not noticed. I know you have cracks in you, the man said. So I took the time to plant seeds. Your water that seeped out watered those seeds, which are now beautiful flowers.

I left yoga feeling energized. I could not stop thinking how meaningful this story is to our everyday lives. If we can live with our imperfections (and we all have them), and not resist them, if we can see the beauty in them and ourselves, we would be so much further along in our life, in our work, in our being.

At the end of most alignment processes I do with clients is a step of forgiveness. Forgiveness is about two things a. accepting the imperfections in ourselves as well as others and b. letting go of the judgments we placed on ourselves and/or others. When we can just accept the weaknesses we have, and just be, we don’t have to resist ourselves any more. When we accept all parts of ourselves, we are happier with ourselves, our families, our work and, in the end, our life. By accepting our imperfections we are able to see the beauty in ourselves.

Too often we focus on our imperfections. We think: I could be thinner; I could have gotten an A instead of an A- on an exam; I could have finished that project in two days rather than 3 days. That kind of thinking never leaves you satisfied with your accomplishments, never lets you be proud of the last sale you made, never lets you soak in what you have learned, or enjoy a personal best. Imagine if instead you were proud of yourself for the weight you did lose, left a class thinking, “ I learned a lot today,” or accomplished to finish a difficult project.

I recently worked with a man who was distraught about his career. He was very accomplished and knowledgeable in his field but had not done little to advance himself. At the age of 57 with a Ph.D. he was underemployed and underpaid. On top of it he felt that everyone had passed him up and it was too late to do anything. He had no real vision for himself. He hated to go to out with people he did not know and always felt awkward when people ask him what he did. Using Neuro Emotional Coaching it became obvious that he was judging himself profusely and that he felt very bad about himself. After a period of talk and reflection I guided him through a forgiveness process where he had a change to let go of all of his imperfections and judgments he had put on himself. He should know better. He was lazy. Why didn’t he have a clear vision and he should have worked harder to begin with.

A day later he called me and reported that a cloud had lifted from his shoulders. He felt fine to talk about his career was happy to be a student at age 55 and felt excited about figuring out what was next.

So what happened and how do you break this cycle? Start everyday with a review. Look at the things that went well and what didn’t go so well. Appreciate these good things about yourself (you’re a good listener, for example) as well as your imperfections (you are not so good at being organized). Forgive yourself for them and for the judgments you make of others. This will end your day in a state of peace, harmony, and joy. In time you will see the flowers growing along the path, instead of the cracks in the pot.

Unfortunately, negative emotions are unavoidable. As long we are alive we will have to experience them. That’s part of the contract that we signed up for when we decided to be a human. You could have decided to be a flower and not have emotions, but that’s an entirely different conversation. There seems to be a handful of people who very seldom experience negative emotions, but for most of us getting upset or depressed or disappointed is part of living. The following are four steps to assist you in successfully managing your emotions.

1. NOTICE what’s REALLY going on.
The first step that I encourage my clients to take is to acknowledge that they are experiencing something unpleasant. Perhaps they are upset or disappointed about something that took place earlier in the day. Or maybe the negativity was self-generated by placing a judgment on themselves. Take a moment to identify where the negativity is being generated. Why are you responding in this particular way?

2. Don’t make it mean MORE.
Most of the time we stop at the initial reaction and we don’t take the time to figure out what is truly upsetting us. We start to complain and tell the story of why we were wronged or why this is so terrible. Admit it, most of the time we make it worse than it is. Take a look at what happens when you keep telling the story. Does it change anything? Instead, just stop telling the story, accept the emotion for what it is and decide what you would like to experience next.

3. Decide WHO you want to be in the face of negativity.
Most of us play small when we are feeling negative. Right in that moment begin to recognize that you are making a choice. You can decide to be different at a moment’s notice. Instead of being a victim and complaining about what is going on, you can decide to take charge and be courageous. What do I mean by being? Elevate your consciousness and assume a different emotional position. It might be difficult in the beginning, but I suggest that you fake it until you make it. When you are being in a state of positive consciousness your brain will naturally support the process of creativity.

You will also need to decide on your direction. Where are you headed? What do you want to create in this situation? Even in a powerless situation you can choose your attitude. All this helps you figure out who you want to be in the face of negativity.

4. Love Yourself and Others Through the Process.
Being human is not easy. The road is rocky because our past has shaped the present and often is still influencing our future. Be patient with yourself and others and know that we are all in this together. The better you are at dealing with your negative emotions, the happier you and everyone around you will be.

I recently got my car towed. Rather than getting upset with my dyslexic self because I had read the signs wrong and had to be somewhere in 20 minutes (and it was pouring down rain and my cell phone was dead), I decided to love myself; to be adventurous and grateful that I was in a financial position to be able pay the fine. I know, ‘easy for me to say and be …’ well, actually not so easy, but I was committed to not having my initial negative response ruin my weekend. And by using these steps I got to have a positive experience in a challenging moment and the weekend was fun.

I understand the challenges you are experiencing when you feel like you are surviving at work. Perhaps you are the boss and you can’t get your team to respond to your leadership and you are surviving the week by distracting yourself with busy work. Perhaps you are constantly triggered by your own boss, or you can’t stand one of your colleagues, so you look for ways to be out of the office. You might be so busy that all you can do is hang on by a thread and you fall asleep on the couch every night while getting barely enough to pay the rent. Last but not least, you are afraid of getting rejected and, instead of selling more, you procrastinate by being on the internet or going to meetings that don’t produce. Yes, I understand.

Today’s challenges are so severe that we often don’t know how to deal with them. Most of the world’s initial response to challenges is to complain. And we almost have no choice but to join the complainers to feel like we belong and maybe get some relief. The problem: complaining might make you feel like you belong, but it does not provide permanent relief but rather adds insult to injury. So what do we do?

Well, let me get right to it. What if, instead of joining in with the complainers, you decided to love them instead? That’s right, love them. What would that look like? You could be generous, compassionate, listen with kindness and let people know they had 5 minutes to complain and then it was time to either let it go or take some action about the issue they were complaining about. Can you imagine how your work environment would transform if you brought that kind of “love” to work. A love that would take people’s frustration and allow them to get it out, but then either challenge them to let it go or do something about it. A love that would challenge people to communicate responsibly, be accountable and take action where they can. I know it sounds hard but it might be easier than you think. Here are some steps that might help when you want to complain:

1. Acknowledge that there is something that you feel upset about.
2. Find out what is at the bottom of the issue(s).
3. Decide if you want to either let it go or do something about it, i.e., communicate with someone about
it.

Here are some steps you can take when someone else is complaining to you:

1. Acknowledge that there is something the person is upset about.
2. Let them know you are willing to listen to them vent for about 5 minutes.
3. Assist them with finding out with what is really going on.
4. Support them to either let it go or communicate about it.

Let’s all be more responsible toward ourselves and others…it’s a loving act. Here’s to you to saying: I don’t want to be a victim, I am going to do what I can to be accountable.

]]> http://www.clearintentions.net/2011/02/25/all-you-need-is-love/feed/ 0 http://www.clearintentions.net/2010/11/08/%e2%80%9clistening%e2%80%9d-a-gift-we-can-all-offer/ http://www.clearintentions.net/2010/11/08/%e2%80%9clistening%e2%80%9d-a-gift-we-can-all-offer/#comments Mon, 08 Nov 2010 14:51:20 +0000 barbara http://www.clearintentions.net/?p=551 Have you ever been in a conversation where you can hardly focus on what the other person is saying because you are busy formulating your response, or perhaps preoccupied with wanting to share some relevant tidbit about your own life?  If you have, you are not alone.  It has most likely happened to all of us at some point because we are cognitive beings who are regularly bombarded with technology, experiences, and perceptions that naturally bring about the desire for expression.  At The Coaches Training Institute (the place where I received my coaching training), this type of listening is defined as “listening level 1”.

Listening level 1 is not a bad form of listening but it is often used at inappropriate times and it is mostly based on hidden agendas such as needing to look good or wanting to be liked.  Rather than being with the person and being curious about their experience (listening level 2), we are focused on our own needs and are bound to miss the most important part of the communication; sometimes what is not being said.

Listening is challenging, I understand.  We often feel desperate because nobody seems to listen to us but if we are truly committed to creating a successful as well as fulfilling work environment or home environment, we need to take the time to listen to one another.  The benefits are infinite.  Not only will the listener feel more appreciated and valued at work but countless hours of misunderstandings resulting in rework and/or sometimes hurt feelings can be avoided.  Just this week one of my clients talked to me about the difficult situations she was having with a co-worker because they were not talking.  Things have gotten so bad that my client is doing everything to avoid this person.  I encouraged my client to have lunch with this person and to simply listen.  (He is doing it this week).  I strongly recommend we leave our egos out of those conversations.   Be curious and be open to the other person’s perspective.

Flying in the face of the proclivity to “fix” things, patience is probably at the top of the list of attributes of a sincere listener.  A little time will be required to build rapport which includes trust and the recipient should never feel hurried.  After setting the stage for the conversation which might include confidentiality, concentrate only on the individual’s concerns; be curious.  If it is appropriate and if asked, you may want to affirm their own insights and offer relevant examples, but make sure you are not the one doing most of the talking.

Listening involves hearing and understanding not only all of what people are saying but also what they are afraid to say. To listen with compassion is to be human.  Go ahead, take the initiative, and just “be” with someone when it seems warranted and see what happens.

]]> http://www.clearintentions.net/2010/11/08/%e2%80%9clistening%e2%80%9d-a-gift-we-can-all-offer/feed/ 2 http://www.clearintentions.net/2010/02/01/attachments-expectations-and-disappointment/ http://www.clearintentions.net/2010/02/01/attachments-expectations-and-disappointment/#comments Tue, 02 Feb 2010 02:23:49 +0000 barbara http://www.clearintentions.net/?p=339 I recently came back from a family outing.  This was the first time my family had gotten together in an intimate setting in many years.  As I prepared myself for the long journey, I contemplated my state of mind, heart and soul.  It quickly occurred to me that some serious preparation was in order.  My heart was feeling all sorts of things, my mind was confused, and my soul did not have any clear direction as to how to support me before, during, and after the “outing.”  “Well,” I said to myself, “it is time to have one of those inner conversations.  First, to find out what is going on and second, to decide where to direct my energy”.  “Okay.” I replied, “good idea.”  Since I previously practiced this sort of inner dialogue I was able to easily get to the bottom of what was going on.  Once I allowed myself to feel all of the different emotions I was able to let go of them and decide where I wanted to direct my energy and attention.  What does my little story have to do with attachments, expectations and disappointments?

All too often we approach sticky situations with a substantial amount of attachment and expectations.  For instance, we might expect our family members to behave in a certain way.  We cook a great meal or cut the grass in hopes of some kindness and consideration when the next interaction surprisingly brings misery and unhappiness.  Or professionally, for example, we work hard on a business deal and are ready to close it and anticipating it going exactly the way we plan when suddenly the deal falls through.  In both instances, we end up feeling disappointed and perhaps even defeated.  What happened?

We may have too many expectations and attachments to the things in which we are involved or working toward.  Whether in our personal or professional life, we may fall into the attachment trap without even being aware of it.  When we are too attached to the outcome there is no room for flexibility, including the option for an even better outcome.   When we have too many expectations we set ourselves up for disappointment.  Noone else can meet our expectations.  Only we can meet our expectations and most of us set ourselves up right off the bat by having expectations that are too high.  This is self-sabotaging in terms of effective energy use.

What to do?  Begin by having a conversation with yourself about your attachments and expectations.  Find out if you have any unconscious or hidden emotions in a situation.  Whatever is going on, allow yourself to feel all of it in an environment that is separate from the situation.  You can have an inner dialogue, write in your journal or perhaps talk to a professional coach.  In any case, I have found that when my clients have cleared their hearts and minds that often a higher outcome than what they originally envisioned becomes apparent.

 MONTHLY CHALLENGE:

Pick a project or event in the next two weeks.  Examine your emotions and thoughts around the event.  In a safe environment, allow yourself to empty your emotions and thoughts in whatever way works for you and move into a state of detachment.  At the same time set a clear intention and focus for your energy.  In other words, you can still have a high level of involvement in the physical process, but low attachment in the outcome.  Keep track of your inner process while you are working on the event or project.  After the event is over evaluate the process.  What worked for you and what didn’t?  What did you learn?

I would love to hear from you. Please comment on my blog.

Warmly,

Barbara Schwarck, PCC, CPCC
Coach – Trainer -Author
President, Clear Intentions
www.clearintentions.net

 

 

 

 

 

]]> http://www.clearintentions.net/2010/02/01/attachments-expectations-and-disappointment/feed/ 4