Many of us are so busy with work and our personal lives that we don't take the time to communicate cleanly, clearly and/or sufficiently. The irony is, of course, when we don't communicate effectively, we're likely to spend even more time cleaning it up. The longer we let a communication go, the more likely we are to become upset.

The truth is that we are never upset about what we're upset about. No, that is not a typo. When we are upset, our degree of upset is usually related to something from the past; some leftover from a past relationship in which some interaction or communication is still incomplete.

Many of our relationships with people begin before we actually meet them. We form our first opinions based on what we hear about the person. Once we meet them, our opinion is often unconsciously further influenced by past relationships. This doesn't have to be negative. We may like them, dislike them, or feel neutral about them. Once our emotional response has occurred (reaction), the brain starts to kick in and come up with reasons to explain the emotional experience ("He was rude to me; I don't like him."). Our emotions may not be based on our experience of the person standing in front of us. Instead, emotions may be triggered by our past experiences (recent or not so recent) with other people who remind us of this person.

Upsets are a sure sign of a hidden trigger. For example, I recently had a pretty upsetting communication with my partner, in which we strongly disagreed about an incident that occurred. We both became so upset that it quickly spilled into our day and, eventually, neither of us felt much like talking to the other.

Fortunately, we'd been playing with a new free online service called LovePong (www.lovepong.com). LovePong is a tool that supports people in being in communication - whether or not there is a pre-existing upset. To this point, we'd just been having fun using it - sharing special moments, acknowledging each other, sharing pet peeves, etc. But it served us well on the day of this upset.

During that day, we weren't speaking much, but we continued to dialogue via LovePong. In the safety of that structured communication, I realized I'd gotten triggered and was playing out a familiar pattern from an unresolved past relationship where I needing to be right. Seeing this enabled me to realize my own my upset, which now looked like it had little to do with my partner. As soon as I recognized my part, I apologized to my partner. Taking responsibility for my need to be right gave me an opportunity to finally complete something unresolved from my past, and instantly restored our love.

Leftover communication is like a leaky roof. If you fix it right away, you just have to replace a few shingles. If you let it go, you might have to replace the whole roof, the ceiling, even the floor. Let it go too long, and the place can be condemned. I think divorce is like that: a leaky roof gone so long that the damage becomes irreparable. I've worked with couples and business partners who've let this kind of upset fester for months, sometimes even years. By then, these leftovers have colored their day-to-day activities at the expense of love and productivity (and I'll bet that's not all).

In every area of life (love, family, work, etc), I invite you to take on clean, clear communication in relationships where you have stale leftovers or leaky roofs. Couldn't it be time to patch things up before they cause you more trouble?

"If you had one phone call to make before you died, who would you call, what would you say, and why are you WAITING?!"

Author Unknown

Make a list of three personal and three professional relationships that have upsets associated with them. Next to each name, list the upset. Next to the upset, put a date by when you'll get in communication with an intention to resolve the upset.

Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. How on earth can you explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love? Put your hand on a stove for a minute and it seems like an hour. Sit with that special girl for an hour and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.

Albert Einstein

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As an aside, there will soon be a corporate version of LovePong to assist people in communication in business. For more information, email info@lovepong.com.