Have you ever been in a situation where you were dying to give the person or persons you were with a piece of your mind, but instead of speaking your truth you bit your tongue and said nothing? Perhaps there was another time you felt wronged and you wanted to let the person know how hurt you felt but when you had a chance to speak up you did not speak to the person who you felt hurt by, but instead you trashed the person to someone else. How about someone in your company making a racist joke? Did you say something or did you let it go? And what about a friend falling short of his or her commitment she or he made? Did you hold them accountable or did you let them off the hook?

It seems that in these last few months I have been exposed to many different situations that gave me an opportunity to give or receive feedback (For today, let’s focus on giving feedback.) There were times I did it quite successfully; but there were other times where I could have had better timing, been more sensitive or had better delivery. The frequency of which these opportunities occurred gave me the idea to contemplate what is needed to give feedback successfully. After a few weeks of pondering, I have identified five qualities. They are:

Care: I think the most important quality we need to display when giving feedback is care. If we don’t care about the person to whom we are giving feedback, then what’s the point - why share anything at all? Only when we truly care about the other person are we able to deliver feedback in such a way that focus on the other person centers.

Timing: The right timing requires sensitivity. Sometimes we need to act right away because impact would be lost other wise. Sometimes we need to calm down before delivering feedback because it would be too strong and partial. Sometimes we need to be patient, waiting for a time when the recipient would be receptive. Practice and relying on your intuition will get your far here.

Delivery: How we say something is often more important than what we say. People will tell you that when they feel criticized that they often stop hearing what the other person said. Let the person know what you appreciate about them or what they did well before you lunge into something critical.

Content: Also important is the content. Studies say that only 7% of what we listen to is “words.” That’s not that much. However, I do insist that content when delivered with care and kindness has the potential to grow into double digits.

Authenticity: This is easy but hard. Be real. Be yourself and speak from the heart. Nobody likes to hear superficial words without meaning. And, don’t be afraid to say “I am sorry” when you made a mistake. It is every so refreshing when we get called on your stuff. How else are we going to grow?

My mother always used to say: “Give feedback like you would like to receive it.”